BACK AT IT

I'm back at it... filling up the big white pages with my mind doodles. 
I woke up in the middle of the night, worried, wondering, looking for answers from God.  Examining my life like a sea shell I found  up on the beach.
Why does it look this way? Where did it come from? where is it going to end up?
Do I sabotage myself? Do I start down a good path and stop before I reach the finish line?
Do I talk myself into failure? Why? Why do I run from completing my goals, why do I shrink back from tackling new achievements?
Why do I self sabotage?
Low self esteem?
Lack of faith?
Rebellion?
Self loathing?
Fear?
I don't like these words.. they drag you down like a stone tied around your leg in water.
Yet I think they are players in my life. They are there; sometimes I see them and feel them and other time they are silent. But they are powerful, they do damage.      They tie me down, hold me back, keep me suppressed when I want to soar.
My mind asked..how to I get untangled? 
I prayed. It's what I do when I don't know what to do.  I think God heard me.  I think Jesus whispered something that lifted my spirit a little.
I went back to sleep feeling hopeful. I want it to grow into faith and works, good works.