Twenty Seven Years
It doesn't feel like 27 Years. I still feel unsure of what to say and I still worry about being pretty enough.
The struggle with "stupid new bride" thoughts is still real.
As I sit listening to him snore lightly, I unpack this 27 year old thing, this union of souls, the bond, this marriage.
I couldn't imagine how I would do it, I wondered how I could wake up with someone every day and let them in to the private places of my heart. I could not picture myself trusting someone that much.
Yes... I wanted to get married like every girl I knew back then. I just couldn't comprehend how a person like me could get to the point where you allow another person to see you naked, or bring you a roll of tissue as you sat on the toilet or go buy sanitary napkins for you.
I prayed about it, "God, you know the right man for me, bring us together and make it good."
He listened. I was never comfortable talking to people for long periods of time, my sisters had the gift of gab but I was too self conscience to chat it up. But I was able to talk with him, it was over the phone after a mutual acquaintance suggested he call me for a blind date.
Sharing my thoughts with him came easily and we had a lot in common. That was the foundation. Friendship, devotion, love that followed. 2 Children, 8 moves and 27 years later he is still easy to talk to, still my best friend. I still like to look at his hands and i still think he has the cutest long eye lashes and the sexiest thighs and legs. He's one of the smartest men and I know and I could watch him tease and teach our kids all day. I want to be with him always even after I die.
I guess that's how I would sum up the life we have together. He makes me want to be a better person and I like being with him more than any other person on the planet. Now I understand how one person can let another person into that special, private, place in their heart and be completely open without being self conscious and ashamed. I did it 27 years ago.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Goodbye Kristy,
It seemed to me, she was always smiling.
Her eyes lit up with pure joy when her Dad spoke her name, even though her tongue refused her brain's command to speak.
She radiated something, bright, beautiful and hopeful, even while trapped in a little body racked with pain and paralysis.
She couldn't feed herself, or go take a bubble bath, or pick up her phone and post on Facebook.
At 28, she was as helpless as a six month old baby.
She looked sort of like a doll, legs immobile and locked in a permanent sitting position.
10 years, that's what the Doctors gave her.
"Enjoy the time you have with her but prepare yourself to lose her."
She proved them wrong and stayed with them for 18 more years.
She knew they needed her, they needed something to cement them as a family. She blessed them, She bonded them.
They lavished care and attention on her and seemed to forget it was hard work. They didn't see a tragedy, they saw Kristy and loved her with a fierceness.
They changed her diapers, wiped the drool from her mouth, combed her hair and kept her body clean. Jennifer, Brandon, Dean and Sherry poured themselves into her. She gave them something in return. She became the heart of the family. The epicenter of their world. Her care and comfort was the common cause in the Blake home. She made them all better at giving and loving and caring.
She was a blessing to them all. Their Angel of light and joy.
They took turns with her. Feeding her, patiently and catching the food as it dribbled out of her mouth and gently spooning it back to make sure she had enough.
Holding a cup of water or
kool-aid to her mouth so she could drink, then wiping the excess from her chin. They watched her favorite TV shows with her, praised her art work and lovingly teased her till her face beamed with pleasure.
When one of them became tired, the other was there to spell them. Sherri gave birth to her but they all helped raise Kristy.
She was reared on a mother's love as well as that of her dad, sister and brother.
Kristy has a piece of each of their hearts.
That is why her loss, cut them all so deeply. She never uttered a word but her presence filled up their home.
When the end was near, they knew it. They didn't want to let her go, but they wanted her to be free of the pain racked body that betrayed her. They wanted her to run, and talk and be the person God knew she was. They wanted her to rest. So when she closed her eyes and left her suffering behind. they mourned and rejoiced. They knew she was finally and mercifully at peace and free.
They knew she was with the Father and in the midst of joy unspeakable. They knew, we all know that Kristy is with the Angels in the place of never ending sunshine and happiness.
We miss her but one day, we will see her again.
Until then we will cry, smile and be grateful for our time with sweet Kristiana Blake.
It seemed to me, she was always smiling.
Her eyes lit up with pure joy when her Dad spoke her name, even though her tongue refused her brain's command to speak.
She radiated something, bright, beautiful and hopeful, even while trapped in a little body racked with pain and paralysis.
She couldn't feed herself, or go take a bubble bath, or pick up her phone and post on Facebook.
At 28, she was as helpless as a six month old baby.
She looked sort of like a doll, legs immobile and locked in a permanent sitting position.
10 years, that's what the Doctors gave her.
"Enjoy the time you have with her but prepare yourself to lose her."
She proved them wrong and stayed with them for 18 more years.
She knew they needed her, they needed something to cement them as a family. She blessed them, She bonded them.
They lavished care and attention on her and seemed to forget it was hard work. They didn't see a tragedy, they saw Kristy and loved her with a fierceness.
They changed her diapers, wiped the drool from her mouth, combed her hair and kept her body clean. Jennifer, Brandon, Dean and Sherry poured themselves into her. She gave them something in return. She became the heart of the family. The epicenter of their world. Her care and comfort was the common cause in the Blake home. She made them all better at giving and loving and caring.
She was a blessing to them all. Their Angel of light and joy.
They took turns with her. Feeding her, patiently and catching the food as it dribbled out of her mouth and gently spooning it back to make sure she had enough.
Holding a cup of water or
kool-aid to her mouth so she could drink, then wiping the excess from her chin. They watched her favorite TV shows with her, praised her art work and lovingly teased her till her face beamed with pleasure.
When one of them became tired, the other was there to spell them. Sherri gave birth to her but they all helped raise Kristy.
She was reared on a mother's love as well as that of her dad, sister and brother.
Kristy has a piece of each of their hearts.
That is why her loss, cut them all so deeply. She never uttered a word but her presence filled up their home.
When the end was near, they knew it. They didn't want to let her go, but they wanted her to be free of the pain racked body that betrayed her. They wanted her to run, and talk and be the person God knew she was. They wanted her to rest. So when she closed her eyes and left her suffering behind. they mourned and rejoiced. They knew she was finally and mercifully at peace and free.
They knew she was with the Father and in the midst of joy unspeakable. They knew, we all know that Kristy is with the Angels in the place of never ending sunshine and happiness.
We miss her but one day, we will see her again.
Until then we will cry, smile and be grateful for our time with sweet Kristiana Blake.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
When The Dog Bites...
Only two months old and already injured in the line of duty. Today I found a minuscule crack in the windshield of my little red Nissan Rogue.
One of the things that make me go... arghhh!!!
Seems there's been a lot of them lately...
The visit to the tax man that ended with the gut punching revelation that instead of getting cash back, we owed good old Uncle S. this year.
Remembering that it's my turn to do the week long graveyard shift at work. 4 and a half hours of sleep followed by ten hours of piecing together an hour long early morning newscast. Swigging coffee through the night to stay alert then driving home in a zombie daze at 8am when the shift ends.
The soul sucking reality that I don't have ten thousand dollars in my rainy day fund so my kid can go away to college. Turns out her scholarship covers tuition not room and board.
Apparently they think parents who can't afford to pay their kids way through college, but can handle the ten thousand dollar need for books and board.
These are the disappointments, let downs, slights, all of them woven into the fabric of my everyday life.
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs, "Favorite Things"
The line goes, "when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling saaaaaad".
It goes on, "I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel soooo baaaad."
That may work for Maria and the children but not for me.
When my life gets rude with me, when my circumstances seem to work against me and sneer in my face, when I feel like I'm in a six feet deep hole with no way out.
I look to the hills, not the ones in the Sound of Music. I look to the hills from whence cometh my help. (Psalm 121:1-5) I look to my Father in heaven, my Savior and friend Jesus.
He has me even when life lets me down.
Even when things are bad, God is good, Jesus is with me. I can rest in him, lean on him, walk in his strength, guidance and peace. He will help me, he will walk me through it or help me out of it.
"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be removed he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold he that keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is your shade on your right hand."
When the bee stings, and the bills are unpaid, and the dog bites, and the jobs drives me nuts.
I Look up! God is never far away, I talk to him, I lay my burden at his feet.
My problems don't disappear, but his presence and peace appears. He lifts me above my circumstances.
He is there when life gets ugly and hard. That is enough.
Only two months old and already injured in the line of duty. Today I found a minuscule crack in the windshield of my little red Nissan Rogue.
One of the things that make me go... arghhh!!!
Seems there's been a lot of them lately...
The visit to the tax man that ended with the gut punching revelation that instead of getting cash back, we owed good old Uncle S. this year.
Remembering that it's my turn to do the week long graveyard shift at work. 4 and a half hours of sleep followed by ten hours of piecing together an hour long early morning newscast. Swigging coffee through the night to stay alert then driving home in a zombie daze at 8am when the shift ends.
The soul sucking reality that I don't have ten thousand dollars in my rainy day fund so my kid can go away to college. Turns out her scholarship covers tuition not room and board.
Apparently they think parents who can't afford to pay their kids way through college, but can handle the ten thousand dollar need for books and board.
These are the disappointments, let downs, slights, all of them woven into the fabric of my everyday life.
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs, "Favorite Things"
The line goes, "when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling saaaaaad".
It goes on, "I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel soooo baaaad."
That may work for Maria and the children but not for me.
When my life gets rude with me, when my circumstances seem to work against me and sneer in my face, when I feel like I'm in a six feet deep hole with no way out.
I look to the hills, not the ones in the Sound of Music. I look to the hills from whence cometh my help. (Psalm 121:1-5) I look to my Father in heaven, my Savior and friend Jesus.
He has me even when life lets me down.
Even when things are bad, God is good, Jesus is with me. I can rest in him, lean on him, walk in his strength, guidance and peace. He will help me, he will walk me through it or help me out of it.
"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be removed he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold he that keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is your shade on your right hand."
When the bee stings, and the bills are unpaid, and the dog bites, and the jobs drives me nuts.
I Look up! God is never far away, I talk to him, I lay my burden at his feet.
My problems don't disappear, but his presence and peace appears. He lifts me above my circumstances.
He is there when life gets ugly and hard. That is enough.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
The Little Things
The sweet sunny sounds of jazz warbling from the radio on the drive home.
The red and orange streaked evening sky
Getting three hearts and a happy face emoji from my Husband in the middle of the day.
Sitting on the beach on a Friday morning with him instead of being at my desk.
The way it feels when I get a hug from Cassidy or Connor.
Seeing the new fluffy white buds on the little tree in the back yard in March.
Watching a yellow butterfly flitter by.. seeing a green breasted humming bird hovering at my front porch feeder.
Hearing God whisper wisdom in my ear as I soak my heart and mind in his word.
Holding hands with Tracy as we cross a street or walk along the Riverfront.
A morning walk to clear the cobwebs and get my heart pumping.
An unexpected, uncontrollable belly laugh.
Watching a kite dance in the wind.
Browsing through the Paris Market.
A good book that you just don't want to put down.
The far away sound of a lawn mower or the drone of an airplane on a hot June day.
Watching children play in a fountain when it's sweltering.
The Atlanta skyline at night.
Watching an old movie in a pair of comfortable pajamas.
Catching up with an old friend.
These are the things that soothe me.
These are the things that feed my soul.
When there is stress, fear, uncertainty, frustration, these are the things that calm, encourage, provide peace and give hope.
These are the little things that make life good.
The sweet sunny sounds of jazz warbling from the radio on the drive home.
The red and orange streaked evening sky
Getting three hearts and a happy face emoji from my Husband in the middle of the day.
Sitting on the beach on a Friday morning with him instead of being at my desk.
The way it feels when I get a hug from Cassidy or Connor.
Seeing the new fluffy white buds on the little tree in the back yard in March.
Watching a yellow butterfly flitter by.. seeing a green breasted humming bird hovering at my front porch feeder.
Hearing God whisper wisdom in my ear as I soak my heart and mind in his word.
Holding hands with Tracy as we cross a street or walk along the Riverfront.
A morning walk to clear the cobwebs and get my heart pumping.
An unexpected, uncontrollable belly laugh.
Watching a kite dance in the wind.
Browsing through the Paris Market.
A good book that you just don't want to put down.
The far away sound of a lawn mower or the drone of an airplane on a hot June day.
Watching children play in a fountain when it's sweltering.
The Atlanta skyline at night.
Watching an old movie in a pair of comfortable pajamas.
Catching up with an old friend.
These are the things that soothe me.
These are the things that feed my soul.
When there is stress, fear, uncertainty, frustration, these are the things that calm, encourage, provide peace and give hope.
These are the little things that make life good.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
I'm Not Her!
I'm not her.. I'm not the 8 year old listening to them downstairs laughing over pancakes, feeling left out and alone.
I'm not her.. Watching him lavish love and attention on the youngest daughter while directing irritation and criticism my way. The constant question at the dinner table, " why are you primping?" I was a clueless kid with no idea what he meant and how I was primping but his tone told me it was something I needed to stop.
I'm not her.. The middle girl, fourth of eight Not the oldest, the youngest, the show off, the pretty one, or the bold bad boy. I was lost in the crowd of stand outs.
Laughing with everyone but only pretending to feel it. All four eyes and pudgy with a cry they laughingly told me sounded like a cow mooing .
I'm not her..
I'm not that 8 year old little girl.. I'm 53.
But she has always been beside me.. trying to make the world realize that she's not ugly and unexceptional.
Looking for acceptance and approval like the hope of rain.
I'm not her.. I'm his. He sees me, knows me, loves me.
The little girl is gone, in her place is the woman who has a Father.
I'm in his family.. He has filled up my empty spaces and fulfilled my longing.
I'm not her... I'm his.
I'm not her.. I'm not the 8 year old listening to them downstairs laughing over pancakes, feeling left out and alone.
I'm not her.. Watching him lavish love and attention on the youngest daughter while directing irritation and criticism my way. The constant question at the dinner table, " why are you primping?" I was a clueless kid with no idea what he meant and how I was primping but his tone told me it was something I needed to stop.
I'm not her.. The middle girl, fourth of eight Not the oldest, the youngest, the show off, the pretty one, or the bold bad boy. I was lost in the crowd of stand outs.
Laughing with everyone but only pretending to feel it. All four eyes and pudgy with a cry they laughingly told me sounded like a cow mooing .
I'm not her..
I'm not that 8 year old little girl.. I'm 53.
But she has always been beside me.. trying to make the world realize that she's not ugly and unexceptional.
Looking for acceptance and approval like the hope of rain.
I'm not her.. I'm his. He sees me, knows me, loves me.
The little girl is gone, in her place is the woman who has a Father.
I'm in his family.. He has filled up my empty spaces and fulfilled my longing.
I'm not her... I'm his.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Some Days.....
I'm not up for the fight. I want to fold up like sweater and lie on a shelf in a quiet, dark, cozy closet.
Days when the alarm on my I-phone shatters the sweet nothingness of sleep.
When it seems I'm moving through molasses while the seconds on the clock speed by.
Days when I look in my closet and I ask myself what was I thinking? I wonder if wearing pajamas to work would really be such a bad thing?
When work is one big white knuckle, blood pressure raising, stress inducing exercise in frustration and futility from the minute I sit down at my desk to the moment my newscasts goes off the air.
Days when I spend more time worrying what they are thinking about me than being grateful and gracious.
When I take for granted, ignore or are indifferent to those I care about the most.
Some days I forget who my Father is and I forget the wonderful gift he has placed in my hand.
Days when I steam and bubble and fret like a teapot left on the stove too long.
Days when I look at my life and see the work to be done, the bills to be paid the dreams and wants still unfulfilled.
Days I can't see past my self pity to see the glories and grace God showers on me constantly.
Some days fatigue, and ego set the tone instead of peace and humility.
Some days I fall down, I miss the mark, I stay in the valley.
I fail.
But thanks be to God, I get back up and move forward.
Even on those dark days, hope is never far from me, and neither is my Father.
Thank the Lord, for now, there is another day ahead.
I'm not up for the fight. I want to fold up like sweater and lie on a shelf in a quiet, dark, cozy closet.
Days when the alarm on my I-phone shatters the sweet nothingness of sleep.
When it seems I'm moving through molasses while the seconds on the clock speed by.
Days when I look in my closet and I ask myself what was I thinking? I wonder if wearing pajamas to work would really be such a bad thing?
When work is one big white knuckle, blood pressure raising, stress inducing exercise in frustration and futility from the minute I sit down at my desk to the moment my newscasts goes off the air.
Days when I spend more time worrying what they are thinking about me than being grateful and gracious.
When I take for granted, ignore or are indifferent to those I care about the most.
Some days I forget who my Father is and I forget the wonderful gift he has placed in my hand.
Days when I steam and bubble and fret like a teapot left on the stove too long.
Days when I look at my life and see the work to be done, the bills to be paid the dreams and wants still unfulfilled.
Days I can't see past my self pity to see the glories and grace God showers on me constantly.
Some days fatigue, and ego set the tone instead of peace and humility.
Some days I fall down, I miss the mark, I stay in the valley.
I fail.
But thanks be to God, I get back up and move forward.
Even on those dark days, hope is never far from me, and neither is my Father.
Thank the Lord, for now, there is another day ahead.
Friday, February 19, 2016
THANKS MONICA!!!
Today a legend gave me a refresher course in "How to do journalism the right way"
Monica Kaufman Pearson was the keynote speaker at the 65 Annual Southern Regional Press Institute at Savannah State University.
The is the first lady of TV Journalism in the Southeast and arguably the country. Reporter, anchor woman, college professor, author, the woman has done it all and done it well.
She came to SRPI to share her more than 30 years of wisdom and experience with college students on the cusp of a journalism career.
Today I was her student, as she spoke to them, I am the one who got schooled.
She reminded me about the essentials. She reminded me of what a good journalist looks and sounds like.
She remained me that you can't do the job without the tools of integrity, hard work, common sense and a devotion to the community you cover.
She remained me that passion is important She reminded me that one should never stop learning, growing, reaching.
She reminded me that being gracious and knowing when to keep your mouth shut is sometimes the difference between success and failure.
She reminded me that I can't wait until conditions are perfect to get busy doing what I want to do.
She remained me that now is the time to make it work, to work your plan and plan your work.
She reminded me that it's never too late, and always treat people like I want them to treat me, even when they don't deserve it.
She reminded me why I got into journalism in the first place. and she inspired me to share what I have instead of looking to feather my nest.
Thank you Monica, for waking me out of my stupor of complacency and preoccupation with my bottom line.
Thanks for reigniting the flame in me.
Thanks for the reminder!!!
Today a legend gave me a refresher course in "How to do journalism the right way"
Monica Kaufman Pearson was the keynote speaker at the 65 Annual Southern Regional Press Institute at Savannah State University.
The is the first lady of TV Journalism in the Southeast and arguably the country. Reporter, anchor woman, college professor, author, the woman has done it all and done it well.
She came to SRPI to share her more than 30 years of wisdom and experience with college students on the cusp of a journalism career.
Today I was her student, as she spoke to them, I am the one who got schooled.
She reminded me about the essentials. She reminded me of what a good journalist looks and sounds like.
She remained me that you can't do the job without the tools of integrity, hard work, common sense and a devotion to the community you cover.
She remained me that passion is important She reminded me that one should never stop learning, growing, reaching.
She reminded me that being gracious and knowing when to keep your mouth shut is sometimes the difference between success and failure.
She reminded me that I can't wait until conditions are perfect to get busy doing what I want to do.
She remained me that now is the time to make it work, to work your plan and plan your work.
She reminded me that it's never too late, and always treat people like I want them to treat me, even when they don't deserve it.
She reminded me why I got into journalism in the first place. and she inspired me to share what I have instead of looking to feather my nest.
Thank you Monica, for waking me out of my stupor of complacency and preoccupation with my bottom line.
Thanks for reigniting the flame in me.
Thanks for the reminder!!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
The Next Season
What's next for me? Where do I go from here? 35 years.. that's how long I've been playing the TV news game.
Intern, chryon operator, weekend weather girl, producer, reporter, fill in anchor, assignment editor. I've worn all these hats over the years.
Rearranging your life around breaking news, working holidays or nights or overnights or weekends. Constantly mindful of the 5 or 6 o'clock deadline.
Standing outside in a snow storm or hurricane or tornado telling viewers to stay inside and be safe.
Telling them about the drive by shootings, and baby murders and the corrupt politicians between car commercials and kickers about a dancing squirrel.
It is has never been dull, and I've been blessed to be in this business for so long.
But I'm growing restless and ready for a change. I am eager to move into the next season of my life
What is next for me??
Graduate school, a creative writing career?
Teaching, working on films? Those all sound wonderful. I've been praying about it
for awhile now. I know God knows the plan and will bring it to pass in his good time.
I am looking forward to the future, I don't know exactly what it holds but I know who has it in his hands.
Bring on the next season!! I'm ready to fly!!!
What's next for me? Where do I go from here? 35 years.. that's how long I've been playing the TV news game.
Intern, chryon operator, weekend weather girl, producer, reporter, fill in anchor, assignment editor. I've worn all these hats over the years.
Rearranging your life around breaking news, working holidays or nights or overnights or weekends. Constantly mindful of the 5 or 6 o'clock deadline.
Standing outside in a snow storm or hurricane or tornado telling viewers to stay inside and be safe.
Telling them about the drive by shootings, and baby murders and the corrupt politicians between car commercials and kickers about a dancing squirrel.
It is has never been dull, and I've been blessed to be in this business for so long.
But I'm growing restless and ready for a change. I am eager to move into the next season of my life
What is next for me??
Graduate school, a creative writing career?
Teaching, working on films? Those all sound wonderful. I've been praying about it
for awhile now. I know God knows the plan and will bring it to pass in his good time.
I am looking forward to the future, I don't know exactly what it holds but I know who has it in his hands.
Bring on the next season!! I'm ready to fly!!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
BACK WHEN "YOU" WERE "YOU"
There is a car commercial that shows a teenager learning to drive. In the next sixty seconds we see him go from a boy to a man. Getting his first car, a little red roadster, going off to college, getting married, having kids and a career.
The announcer chronicles all of this in verse as the music swells. The spot ends with the man buying a new car( a modern red roadster) that the announcer says reminds the now middle aged guy "of when you were "you".
At first I scoffed at the commercial. It seemed to be saying buying a new car is the secret to surviving a mid life crisis. The secret to throwing off the tired mantle of the old married domesticated man.
Is that what they're saying to me? It felt a little annoying and insulting to this old married lady. Fast forward a few months later to when my 11 year old mommyvan told me in no uncertain terms " I'm not long for this world" I traded in the van for my own little red roadster. A 2011 cranberry Nissan Rogue.
Once behind the wheel, I got it. I understood the feeling of being taken back, to when "you", where "you."
Back to the time when it was only me in my first car. A time when confidence and optimism coursed through my veins. A time when self doubt was still a stranger to me.
A time before children, and carpools, and the work a day demands.
Now I know how a little red car can take you back to a time when you were different. For me it not only took me back to when "me was me," but it awakened something in me. The desire to take out
some of those 30 year old hopes and dreams. To bring them out into the light, dust them off and let them breath.
Back when you were you.. I remember then, I remember that girl. She's still part of me. I am excited about getting to know her again.
There is a car commercial that shows a teenager learning to drive. In the next sixty seconds we see him go from a boy to a man. Getting his first car, a little red roadster, going off to college, getting married, having kids and a career.
The announcer chronicles all of this in verse as the music swells. The spot ends with the man buying a new car( a modern red roadster) that the announcer says reminds the now middle aged guy "of when you were "you".
At first I scoffed at the commercial. It seemed to be saying buying a new car is the secret to surviving a mid life crisis. The secret to throwing off the tired mantle of the old married domesticated man.
Is that what they're saying to me? It felt a little annoying and insulting to this old married lady. Fast forward a few months later to when my 11 year old mommyvan told me in no uncertain terms " I'm not long for this world" I traded in the van for my own little red roadster. A 2011 cranberry Nissan Rogue.
Once behind the wheel, I got it. I understood the feeling of being taken back, to when "you", where "you."
Back to the time when it was only me in my first car. A time when confidence and optimism coursed through my veins. A time when self doubt was still a stranger to me.
A time before children, and carpools, and the work a day demands.
Now I know how a little red car can take you back to a time when you were different. For me it not only took me back to when "me was me," but it awakened something in me. The desire to take out
some of those 30 year old hopes and dreams. To bring them out into the light, dust them off and let them breath.
Back when you were you.. I remember then, I remember that girl. She's still part of me. I am excited about getting to know her again.
Friday, February 12, 2016
MADNESS!!!
Today I watched a 30 second tragedy unfold.
It will stay with me for a long time.
I opened our newsroom e-mail..it was a video clip sent by an angry Mother.
It wasn't a complaint about late school buses, a bad lunch or an incompetent teacher.
The video was something far more egregious..
It began with a teenage boy walking up to a sitting teenage girl. Before you can comprehend what you're seeing he begins to slam his fist into every part of her body.
He lands blows to her head, shoulder, and face.
Then when you think it can't possibly get more
horrific, it does.
The sitting teen tries to fight back, but her flailing arms strike him once maybe twice. By then he has snatched her out of the chair, slammed her against a wall then to the ground. He pounds her face relentlessly like a boxer.
All of this turns my stomach, but what breaks my heart is the fact that a classroom full of students are there, in person watching, laughing, excited by the drama. Not one of them steps in to stop it.
There is no teacher in sight, it's as if the students were left on their own to challenge and destroy each other like something out of Hunger Games.
AS I WATCHED MY HEART BROKE, FOR ALL THOSE KIDS
WHOSE KINDNESS AND COMPASSION WERE SWALLOWED UP BY CALLOUSNESS AND CRUELTY.
HOW DID IT HAPPEN, HOW DID THEY BECOME INDIFFERENT TO WATCHING A FELLOW HUMAN BEING INFLICT SUCH SUFFERING ON ANOTHER??
I THOUGH OF MY DAUGHTER CASSIDY, AND MY SON CONNOR. I WONDERED IF THEY WOULD HAVE TRIED TO STOP IT? IF THEY WOULD HAVE RUN TO FIND AN ADULT OR WOULD THEY HAVE STAYED IN THE CLASSROOM AND WATCHED?
BUT I AM STILL SAD FOR THAT BOY AND THAT GIRL AND ALL THOSE KIDS IN THE CLASSROOM.
THEY HAVE ALL LOST SOMETHING THEY MAY NEVER GET BACK.
INNOCENCE AND EMPATHY.. AND THAT IS THE REAL TRAGEDY.
Today I watched a 30 second tragedy unfold.
It will stay with me for a long time.
I opened our newsroom e-mail..it was a video clip sent by an angry Mother.
It wasn't a complaint about late school buses, a bad lunch or an incompetent teacher.
The video was something far more egregious..
It began with a teenage boy walking up to a sitting teenage girl. Before you can comprehend what you're seeing he begins to slam his fist into every part of her body.
He lands blows to her head, shoulder, and face.
Then when you think it can't possibly get more
horrific, it does.
The sitting teen tries to fight back, but her flailing arms strike him once maybe twice. By then he has snatched her out of the chair, slammed her against a wall then to the ground. He pounds her face relentlessly like a boxer.
All of this turns my stomach, but what breaks my heart is the fact that a classroom full of students are there, in person watching, laughing, excited by the drama. Not one of them steps in to stop it.
There is no teacher in sight, it's as if the students were left on their own to challenge and destroy each other like something out of Hunger Games.
AS I WATCHED MY HEART BROKE, FOR ALL THOSE KIDS
WHOSE KINDNESS AND COMPASSION WERE SWALLOWED UP BY CALLOUSNESS AND CRUELTY.
HOW DID IT HAPPEN, HOW DID THEY BECOME INDIFFERENT TO WATCHING A FELLOW HUMAN BEING INFLICT SUCH SUFFERING ON ANOTHER??
I THOUGH OF MY DAUGHTER CASSIDY, AND MY SON CONNOR. I WONDERED IF THEY WOULD HAVE TRIED TO STOP IT? IF THEY WOULD HAVE RUN TO FIND AN ADULT OR WOULD THEY HAVE STAYED IN THE CLASSROOM AND WATCHED?
- MY HUSBAND I RAISED THEM TO BE COMPASSIONATE, WE RAISE THEM TO BELIEVE THAT WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN.
WE RAISED THEM TO FEEL EMPATHY FOR THOSE WHO ARE SUFFERING.
I KNOW IN MY HEART, THEY WOULD NOT SIT AND WATCH THAT SAD SPECTACLE AND THAT ENCOURAGES MY SOUL.BUT I AM STILL SAD FOR THAT BOY AND THAT GIRL AND ALL THOSE KIDS IN THE CLASSROOM.
THEY HAVE ALL LOST SOMETHING THEY MAY NEVER GET BACK.
INNOCENCE AND EMPATHY.. AND THAT IS THE REAL TRAGEDY.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
THE GIRL
I'm not her... the girl every eye rests on when she comes into a room.
The girl whose screw up are considered cute. I'm not the most popular, turning down invitations to lunch or coffee.
I'm not the witty one, or the one with perfect grammar skills or the speller.
I'm not the skinny girl who can eat whatever she craves and still look forward to short sleeves and swimsuit season.
I'm not the chick who always looks perfectly put together, the girl with the cute laugh and the cascading hair.
I'm not the one who is quick with a quip that can bring the house down.
Popular, pretty and perfect, that's not me
.
I'm not those things but I am this girl..
the cause of my Husband's smile and the gleam in his eye.
The girl whose 18 year old daughter still greets her with a hug and who will occasionally sit on her lab.
The girl she still calls Mommy.
I am the girl who is still asked by my 13 year old son to tuck him in and
say good night prayers.
I am the girl who can pick up a phone and call her Mother just to say I love you.
I am the girl who can still make my sisters laugh and my brothers proud.
The girl who has a huge extended family who know me and pray for me and ask my advice
The girl who knows who made me and that his work is not a mistake but a thing of beauty.
I am the girl who knows her Father is the source of all that is good, and beautiful and pure, and strong.
I am the girl at peace with the woman I am.
I'm not her... the girl every eye rests on when she comes into a room.
The girl whose screw up are considered cute. I'm not the most popular, turning down invitations to lunch or coffee.
I'm not the witty one, or the one with perfect grammar skills or the speller.
I'm not the skinny girl who can eat whatever she craves and still look forward to short sleeves and swimsuit season.
I'm not the chick who always looks perfectly put together, the girl with the cute laugh and the cascading hair.
I'm not the one who is quick with a quip that can bring the house down.
Popular, pretty and perfect, that's not me
.
I'm not those things but I am this girl..
the cause of my Husband's smile and the gleam in his eye.
The girl whose 18 year old daughter still greets her with a hug and who will occasionally sit on her lab.
The girl she still calls Mommy.
I am the girl who is still asked by my 13 year old son to tuck him in and
say good night prayers.
I am the girl who can pick up a phone and call her Mother just to say I love you.
I am the girl who can still make my sisters laugh and my brothers proud.
The girl who has a huge extended family who know me and pray for me and ask my advice
The girl who knows who made me and that his work is not a mistake but a thing of beauty.
I am the girl who knows her Father is the source of all that is good, and beautiful and pure, and strong.
I am the girl at peace with the woman I am.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
I ALMOST LET THE DAY GET AWAY
HE SAID I SHOULD WRITE SOMETHING EVERT DAY AND I AGREED.
I KNOW I'M NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE. THE WORDS DON'T TUMBLE OUT IN GENTLE WAVES. THEY HIDE, I HAVE TO COAX, AND PROD THEM TO APPEAR.
THEY THEY COME HALTINGLY, IN DRIPS AND STARTS... I'M NOT SURE IF THEY ARE THE RIGHT ONES BUT THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES I HAVE SO. SO I LET THEM COME, I EMBRACE WHAT THERE IS.
I HOPE TO BE BETTER ONE DAY.. I HOPE ONE DAY IT IS EFFORTLESS AND EASY.
BUT IS IT FOR ANYBODY?? SHOULD IT BE?
SO I WRITE, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T FLOW FROM MY MIND TO MY FINGER TIPS, EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT SURE IT'S GOOD ENOUGH OR OF INTEREST TO ANYONE.
I WRITE ANYWAY, BECAUSE I PROMISED HIM AND BECAUSE I WANT THIS AND BECAUSE THE WORDS ARE SOMEWHERE INSIDE ME TRYING TO GET OUT.
I WRITE BECAUSE I CAN'T IGNORE IT, I WANT IT... EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT PERFECT AND POLISHED.
IT IS A PART OF ME THAT I CAN'T IGNORE OR DENY.
I WRITE BECAUSE I HAVE TO.
I KNOW I'M NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE. THE WORDS DON'T TUMBLE OUT IN GENTLE WAVES. THEY HIDE, I HAVE TO COAX, AND PROD THEM TO APPEAR.
THEY THEY COME HALTINGLY, IN DRIPS AND STARTS... I'M NOT SURE IF THEY ARE THE RIGHT ONES BUT THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES I HAVE SO. SO I LET THEM COME, I EMBRACE WHAT THERE IS.
I HOPE TO BE BETTER ONE DAY.. I HOPE ONE DAY IT IS EFFORTLESS AND EASY.
BUT IS IT FOR ANYBODY?? SHOULD IT BE?
SO I WRITE, EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T FLOW FROM MY MIND TO MY FINGER TIPS, EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT SURE IT'S GOOD ENOUGH OR OF INTEREST TO ANYONE.
I WRITE ANYWAY, BECAUSE I PROMISED HIM AND BECAUSE I WANT THIS AND BECAUSE THE WORDS ARE SOMEWHERE INSIDE ME TRYING TO GET OUT.
I WRITE BECAUSE I CAN'T IGNORE IT, I WANT IT... EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT PERFECT AND POLISHED.
IT IS A PART OF ME THAT I CAN'T IGNORE OR DENY.
I WRITE BECAUSE I HAVE TO.
Monday, February 8, 2016
THE NEIGHBORHOOD
The sky stretches on forever.. at sunset, orange and gold bursts of glory fill the horizon.
There is green wherever your eye rests, pines thrusting into the expanse of blue and white. Palm trees lining the perimeter like toy soldiers.
Little stunted bushes, and azaleas plants who have lost their flowers until Spring.
The sidewalk meanders for miles, peppered with couples strolling along with their fur babies, or sweaty hard cores jogging with steely resolve, or the ramblers, more interested in conversation than cardio.
The homes are like little doll houses around the square, pastels and muted colors in various shapes and sizes each with a patch of green in front. A porch filled with patio chairs and stylish planters.
Even with so much to see, wide open spaced are everywhere.
I can breath here. A little square park sits in the middle of it all
perfect for kite flying and star gazing. It's fountain gurgles night and day welcoming thirsty birds.
A short walk takes you to a pond.. home to two snowy white ducks who must sometimes share it with mallards on their way to somewhere more exotic.
It is a place of water and blue sky, and sunsets, and stars and sidewalks. The sounds of a dog barking , breezes blowing through the pines, frogs on a Summer night. Often a plane flies overhead rumbling and low but somehow pleasant sounding.
In December lights of every color twinkle outside the houses or draped across bushes.
Sometimes massive characters in primary colors stand grinning at nothing on the front lawns, in they morning they are in a heap like melted crayons.
Sometimes sparkles and showers of light and sound fill the July sky
and children shriek and shout with the excitement of seeing fire and color explode into the heavens
It is called Godley Park.. the name is reverent but welcoming.
My home, where I belong.
There is green wherever your eye rests, pines thrusting into the expanse of blue and white. Palm trees lining the perimeter like toy soldiers.
Little stunted bushes, and azaleas plants who have lost their flowers until Spring.
The sidewalk meanders for miles, peppered with couples strolling along with their fur babies, or sweaty hard cores jogging with steely resolve, or the ramblers, more interested in conversation than cardio.
The homes are like little doll houses around the square, pastels and muted colors in various shapes and sizes each with a patch of green in front. A porch filled with patio chairs and stylish planters.
Even with so much to see, wide open spaced are everywhere.
I can breath here. A little square park sits in the middle of it all
perfect for kite flying and star gazing. It's fountain gurgles night and day welcoming thirsty birds.
A short walk takes you to a pond.. home to two snowy white ducks who must sometimes share it with mallards on their way to somewhere more exotic.
It is a place of water and blue sky, and sunsets, and stars and sidewalks. The sounds of a dog barking , breezes blowing through the pines, frogs on a Summer night. Often a plane flies overhead rumbling and low but somehow pleasant sounding.
In December lights of every color twinkle outside the houses or draped across bushes.
Sometimes massive characters in primary colors stand grinning at nothing on the front lawns, in they morning they are in a heap like melted crayons.
Sometimes sparkles and showers of light and sound fill the July sky
and children shriek and shout with the excitement of seeing fire and color explode into the heavens
It is called Godley Park.. the name is reverent but welcoming.
My home, where I belong.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
WHAT DO I SAY???
I don't know what to say. The feelings are there, the desire is there but the words are hiding.
They are somewhere beyond my reach. My brain searches for them like four leaf clovers among ordinary grass. Sometimes I find one, pure perfect and alone. I pluck it and then what?
I make my living throwing words on a script, telling the hard, ugly news of the day to people half listening while they cook dinner.
What I write is not the real me, those are the work a day words, the shallow, treat them like your friend words.
The real me comes out only with the rare words, the elusive ones. That is the writing that still escapes me. That is what I long for.
How do I put my heart, or my hope into words??? How do I express my soul?? Those are the words my brain reaches for.. they are there...but do not come easily.
They are treasure, worth searching for, worth finding.
They are somewhere beyond my reach. My brain searches for them like four leaf clovers among ordinary grass. Sometimes I find one, pure perfect and alone. I pluck it and then what?
I make my living throwing words on a script, telling the hard, ugly news of the day to people half listening while they cook dinner.
I turn phrases, use puns and scare them with faux warnings about over exaggerated dangers. I write as if I am a caring friend but I am a stranger who only wants your eyes and ears for 30 minutes.
What I write is not the real me, those are the work a day words, the shallow, treat them like your friend words.
The real me comes out only with the rare words, the elusive ones. That is the writing that still escapes me. That is what I long for.
How do I put my heart, or my hope into words??? How do I express my soul?? Those are the words my brain reaches for.. they are there...but do not come easily.
They are treasure, worth searching for, worth finding.
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