I haven't been here for months, but I'm back because a crisis woke me up. A few days ago, I walked out of the gym, my workout behind me, my day before me.
As I sat in my car, it hit me, a wave of misery, and a sense of my own wretchedness over powered me.
I was stuck in a big empty hole, of my own making. I was going nowhere, spinning my wheels on my own personal hamster wheel.
Over weight, failing eyesight, rising blood pressure, dwindling finances and advancing age.
I felt like a complete and utter failure. Just weeks after turning 53, I felt my life was a big fat nothing.
My salary, still low, my weight still up, my insecurities in tact and my accomplishments insignificant.
The one constant in my life besides my family was my slavish devotion to a soap gossip website.
Daytime Dish was my daily bread, I read is every day, sometimes twice. It was my way to decompress after work, my stress reliever at work, my weekend diversion and my companion, entertainment and guilty pleasure.
But it was killing me, I was giving myself to something that gave me nothing in return. I argued with strangers over fictional people. I read page after page of insults, anger filled rants and idiocy from soap fans whose sole reason for lashing out at each other was that they liked different characters on General Hospital.
I had bad dreams, I argued with posters in my head, I was irritable and dissatisfied with myself and my life.
My emotions rose and fell on what happened not the soap board, and what was said about my favorite characters.
I disliked those who didn't like the characters I liked, I agreed and insulted with the best of them and
every night as I got on my knees to pray before going to sleep, the guilt would come.
The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear " Is daytime dish pleasing to God? Does he approve of you reading, and arguing and drinking in that swill every day??
I knew the answer but I shook it off and kept on feeding on the garbage even as kicked myself for doing it. I continued until that day in my car.
I felt useless, and the knowledge that I was wasting my time and talents on a sewer filled website gnawed at me.
I felt lost and alone, like the little kid who gets separated from his mom in the huge department store.
I was scared and adrift with not a clue as to which way to turn. Like the kid, I cried out for my parent. I cried out to my Father, God.
I poured out my fear, pain and self loathing. I fully acknowledged that I and I alone had made the big mess that now engulfed me. I cried and prayed, and asked for forgiveness. I hated myself .
Like any good, loving parent, God showed up.
He soothed me with the Holy Spirit and told me he loved me. He told me that my deep devotion and dependence on anything besides him would always end in disaster for me.
He reminded me that his joy is my strength. He told me to trust him, and lean on him. He invited me to be his friend again and made me remember that his love, peace and wisdom is what my soul needs more than anything the world has to offer. He told me that he loved me.
My Father showed up to show me the way home. I drove to work with a real smile on my face.
