BACK AT IT
I'm back at it... filling up the big white pages with my mind doodles.
I woke up in the middle of the night, worried, wondering, looking for answers from God. Examining my life like a sea shell I found up on the beach.
Why does it look this way? Where did it come from? where is it going to end up?
Do I sabotage myself? Do I start down a good path and stop before I reach the finish line?
Do I talk myself into failure? Why? Why do I run from completing my goals, why do I shrink back from tackling new achievements?
Why do I self sabotage?
Low self esteem?
Lack of faith?
Rebellion?
Self loathing?
Fear?
I don't like these words.. they drag you down like a stone tied around your leg in water.
Yet I think they are players in my life. They are there; sometimes I see them and feel them and other time they are silent. But they are powerful, they do damage. They tie me down, hold me back, keep me suppressed when I want to soar.
My mind asked..how to I get untangled?
I prayed. It's what I do when I don't know what to do. I think God heard me. I think Jesus whispered something that lifted my spirit a little.
I went back to sleep feeling hopeful. I want it to grow into faith and works, good works.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
QUESTIONS
I signed another contract. I still have questions.
Still want more.
The writing thing, the acting thing. They haven't gone away. The desire to take them out of hiding, to expose them to the sun, to the world.
I keep looking at my life...knowing the years are ticking by, knowing I want to spend is all the way I should be spending it. Time is racing by..I should be moving with it, doing, growing, learning. becoming.
What? I don't know. I still don't know.
I know the thoughts in my head, come out through my fingers when i sit at the keyboard.
I like it.. but will others?
My heart is drawn to acting, writing, theater.. but it is not a compulsion. They are like three people I know a little about, but i want to get to know them better. To stay close.. to live with them in a way that fulfills me emotionally and financially.
I have questions.. "What is next God?".. I write for a living.. but the world of crime, and local politics and weekend festivals is stifling these days.
I want to stretch beyond the confines of TV news. I want to see what else I can do.
I want what's next for me. I have questions. I don't know how to get there What road do I take? When do I set off? How?? Who can help me?
God knows, but so far he hasn't shared it with me. I expect he will in his time. I know there is more than one road for me. So I trust, wait, wonder, and keep moving forward on this road.
For now.
I signed another contract. I still have questions.
Still want more.
The writing thing, the acting thing. They haven't gone away. The desire to take them out of hiding, to expose them to the sun, to the world.
I keep looking at my life...knowing the years are ticking by, knowing I want to spend is all the way I should be spending it. Time is racing by..I should be moving with it, doing, growing, learning. becoming.
What? I don't know. I still don't know.
I know the thoughts in my head, come out through my fingers when i sit at the keyboard.
I like it.. but will others?
My heart is drawn to acting, writing, theater.. but it is not a compulsion. They are like three people I know a little about, but i want to get to know them better. To stay close.. to live with them in a way that fulfills me emotionally and financially.
I have questions.. "What is next God?".. I write for a living.. but the world of crime, and local politics and weekend festivals is stifling these days.
I want to stretch beyond the confines of TV news. I want to see what else I can do.
I want what's next for me. I have questions. I don't know how to get there What road do I take? When do I set off? How?? Who can help me?
God knows, but so far he hasn't shared it with me. I expect he will in his time. I know there is more than one road for me. So I trust, wait, wonder, and keep moving forward on this road.
For now.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
A WALK BY THE RIVER
It has been a minute since I last blogged, almost a year I think.
I told myself I was going to write for an hour every day, that I would try to sell my work and make some money on the side. Hasn't happened yet.
I'm reading something I wrote last June; my thoughts on our 27th wedding anniversary, my feelings about being married to Tracy and the life we've built . It makes me smile and it is all true,
So I'm writing again. No rhyme or reason: just letting my thoughts,, mood and emotions dictate the words.
Yesterday we walked and talked under a glorious blue sky surrounded by hundreds of people wearing green and holding a beer on the River front.
Even in the crowd, we connected and communed it was good.
We talked about getting old and the fact that a mid life crisis is a real thing.
We talked about wanting more and wondering if this was all we would achieve.
Fears, fond memories, future plans.
"We are still young".. he said it twice, maybe to convince himself or me or both.
I listened and talked too.. I know I'm not that girl he married 27 years ago.
I know I've grown past that, I have the grey hairs to prove it.
I smile at his words and know he's right. we are still young. God willing the best is yet to come.
We hold hands and continue to walk and talk.. a hour later we head back to the sleepy azalea filled square where the car is parked.
hungry, happier and hopeful.
We are still young there is still stuff to do, things to experience..life to live.
It has been a minute since I last blogged, almost a year I think.
I told myself I was going to write for an hour every day, that I would try to sell my work and make some money on the side. Hasn't happened yet.
I'm reading something I wrote last June; my thoughts on our 27th wedding anniversary, my feelings about being married to Tracy and the life we've built . It makes me smile and it is all true,
So I'm writing again. No rhyme or reason: just letting my thoughts,, mood and emotions dictate the words.
Yesterday we walked and talked under a glorious blue sky surrounded by hundreds of people wearing green and holding a beer on the River front.
Even in the crowd, we connected and communed it was good.
We talked about getting old and the fact that a mid life crisis is a real thing.
We talked about wanting more and wondering if this was all we would achieve.
Fears, fond memories, future plans.
"We are still young".. he said it twice, maybe to convince himself or me or both.
I listened and talked too.. I know I'm not that girl he married 27 years ago.
I know I've grown past that, I have the grey hairs to prove it.
I smile at his words and know he's right. we are still young. God willing the best is yet to come.
We hold hands and continue to walk and talk.. a hour later we head back to the sleepy azalea filled square where the car is parked.
hungry, happier and hopeful.
We are still young there is still stuff to do, things to experience..life to live.
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