I'm not a leader. It requires giving part of yourself to someone else. Opening up a part of yourself to a person or the world. That scares me. I feel more comfortable in the back row, out of the spotlight.
I feel more comfortable adding my voice to the chorus instead of taking the mic. And yet, I am missing something, part of me wants to contribute, to be out front. I see the leaders and wonder what do they have that I don't? I wonder why I hesitated, why I hang back, why I'm not leading. Leading is doing, it puts you out front where everyone can see you. They can see your missteps and mistakes and muck ups They can point and laugh or whisper quietly about you. They can talk about you and judge you. I don't want them to talk about me, so I don't move up, I stay in the back. I don't think I'm supposed to be here, or else why would I feel so out of place in the place I choose to stay? Maybe I should be out front, maybe I should be leading, at least sometimes. Maybe the fear is worth it? Maybe what I have to give is more important than my fear about the reaction to my giving it?
Maybe what they do after I put it out there --doesn't matter as much as my putting it out there.
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