FORWARD
What stifles ambition? What stops the forward momentum of a life?
Besides death, it's ones own self. What we say to ourselves, how we hinder, and hold back the dream that wants to grow and live.
Do I care more about how my life looks to others instead of how I actually live it?
Something inside me wants more, knows there is more than coming home watching TV or wallowing through the exercise in futility and frustration that is Soap Twitter.
Why have I always felt like the girl on the outside? Why have I always wanted to be in the place where all the fun stuff is happening? Why did my mind convince me it wasn't where I am.
Why do I hesitate? Why am I unsure? Why am I holding me back?
Do I like myself? 
Dear Father help me remove that boulder! The thing that gets in the way of my taking action, my jumping in, my running ahead, my leap of faith, my putting one foot in front of the other.
I still don't know what to call it, fear, self loathing, foolishness, low self esteem, all of the above. I want to know what I want, I want to move forward.
I don't know what is in my future, but I want it to include more writing, some acting, growing, learning, loving life. I want to walk down the path you have chosen for me, but I must walk, I must move forward, I must advance. I cannot and will not stand still.
I want a healthy mind and body, I want your peace and your wisdom as I move through this life. As I move, as I move.

BACK AT IT

I'm back at it... filling up the big white pages with my mind doodles. 
I woke up in the middle of the night, worried, wondering, looking for answers from God.  Examining my life like a sea shell I found  up on the beach.
Why does it look this way? Where did it come from? where is it going to end up?
Do I sabotage myself? Do I start down a good path and stop before I reach the finish line?
Do I talk myself into failure? Why? Why do I run from completing my goals, why do I shrink back from tackling new achievements?
Why do I self sabotage?
Low self esteem?
Lack of faith?
Rebellion?
Self loathing?
Fear?
I don't like these words.. they drag you down like a stone tied around your leg in water.
Yet I think they are players in my life. They are there; sometimes I see them and feel them and other time they are silent. But they are powerful, they do damage.      They tie me down, hold me back, keep me suppressed when I want to soar.
My mind asked..how to I get untangled? 
I prayed. It's what I do when I don't know what to do.  I think God heard me.  I think Jesus whispered something that lifted my spirit a little.
I went back to sleep feeling hopeful. I want it to grow into faith and works, good works.
 

QUESTIONS
 
I signed another contract.  I still have questions.
Still want more.
The writing thing, the acting thing. They haven't gone away. The desire to take them out of hiding, to expose them to the sun, to the world.
I keep looking at my life...knowing the years are ticking by, knowing I want to spend is all the way I should be spending it. Time is racing by..I should be moving with it, doing, growing, learning. becoming.
What?  I don't know. I still don't know.
I know the thoughts in my head, come out through my fingers when i sit at the keyboard.
I like it.. but will others? 
My heart is drawn to acting, writing, theater.. but it is not a compulsion.  They are like three people I know a little about, but i want to get to know them better. To stay close.. to live with them in a way that fulfills me emotionally and financially.
I have questions.. "What is next God?".. I write for a living.. but the world of crime, and local politics and weekend festivals is stifling these days.
I want to stretch beyond the confines of TV news.  I want to see what else I can do.
I want what's next for me.  I have questions. I don't know how to get there  What road do I take? When do I set off? How?? Who can help me?  
God knows, but so far he hasn't shared it with me. I expect he will in his time.  I know there is more than one road for me.   So I trust, wait, wonder, and keep moving forward on this road.
For now.     

A WALK BY THE RIVER 

It has been a minute since I last blogged, almost a year I think.
I told myself I was going to write for an hour every day, that I would try to sell my work and make some money on the side.  Hasn't happened yet.

I'm reading something I wrote last June;  my thoughts on our 27th wedding anniversary, my feelings about being married to Tracy  and the life we've built .  It makes me smile and it is all true,

So I'm writing again. No rhyme or reason: just letting my thoughts,, mood and emotions dictate the words.

Yesterday we walked and talked under a glorious blue sky surrounded by  hundreds of people wearing green and holding a beer on the River front.
Even in the crowd, we connected and communed it was good.
We talked about getting old and the fact that a mid life crisis is a real thing.
We talked about wanting more and wondering if this was all we would achieve.
Fears, fond memories, future plans.
"We are still young".. he said it twice, maybe to convince himself or me or both.
I listened and  talked too.. I know I'm not that girl he married 27 years ago.
I know I've grown past that, I have the grey hairs to prove it.

I smile at his words and know he's right. we are still young. God willing the best is yet to come.

We hold hands and continue to walk and talk..  a hour later we head  back to the sleepy azalea filled square where the car is parked.
hungry,  happier and hopeful.

We are still young there is still stuff to do, things to experience..life to live.

Twenty Seven Years

It doesn't feel like 27 Years.   I still feel unsure of what to say and I still worry about being pretty enough.
The struggle with "stupid new bride" thoughts is still real.

As I sit listening to him snore lightly, I unpack this 27 year old thing, this union of souls, the bond, this marriage.

I couldn't imagine how I would do it, I wondered how I could wake up with someone every day and let them in to the private places of my heart. I could not picture myself trusting someone that much.

Yes... I wanted to get married like every girl I knew back then.   I just couldn't comprehend  how a person like me could get to the point where you allow another person to see you naked, or bring you a roll of tissue as you sat on the toilet or go buy sanitary napkins for you. 

 I prayed about it, "God, you know the right man for me, bring us together and make it good."
He listened.  I was never comfortable talking to people for long periods of time, my sisters had the gift of gab but I was too self conscience to chat it up.  But I was able to  talk with him, it was over the phone after a mutual acquaintance suggested he call me for a blind date.

Sharing my thoughts with him came easily and we had a lot in common.  That was the foundation.  Friendship, devotion, love that followed.   2 Children, 8 moves and 27 years later he is still easy to talk to, still my best friend.  I still like to look at his hands and i still think he has the cutest long eye lashes and the sexiest thighs and legs.    He's one of the smartest men and I know and I could watch him tease and teach our kids all day. I want to be with him always even after I die.    

I guess that's how I would sum up the life we have together.  He makes me want to be a better person and I like being with him more than any other person on the planet. Now I understand how one person can let another person into that special, private, place in their heart and be completely open without being self conscious and ashamed.   I did it 27 years ago.

Goodbye Kristy,

  It seemed to me, she was always smiling.
Her eyes lit up with pure joy when her Dad spoke her name, even though her tongue refused her brain's command to speak.

She radiated something, bright, beautiful and hopeful, even while trapped in a little body racked with pain and paralysis.
She couldn't feed herself, or go take a bubble bath, or pick up her phone and post on Facebook.
 At 28, she was as helpless as a six month old baby.
She looked sort of like a doll,  legs immobile and locked in a permanent sitting position. 
10 years, that's what the Doctors gave her. 
"Enjoy the time you have with her but prepare yourself to lose her."
She proved them wrong and stayed with them for 18 more years.
She knew they needed her, they needed something to cement them as a family. She blessed them,  She bonded them. 
They lavished care and attention on her and seemed to forget it was hard work. They didn't see a tragedy, they saw Kristy and loved her with a fierceness.
They changed her diapers, wiped the drool from her mouth, combed her hair and kept her body clean.   Jennifer, Brandon, Dean and Sherry poured themselves into her.   She gave them something in return. She became the heart of the  family. The epicenter of their world.  Her care and comfort was the common cause in the Blake home. She made them all better at giving and loving and caring.
She was a blessing to them all. Their Angel of light and joy.
They took turns with her. Feeding her, patiently and catching the food as it dribbled out of her mouth and gently spooning it back to make sure she had enough.  
Holding a cup of water or 
kool-aid to her mouth so she could drink, then wiping the excess from her chin.  They watched her favorite TV shows with her, praised her art work and lovingly teased her till her face beamed with pleasure.

When one of them became tired, the other was there to spell them. Sherri gave birth to her but they all helped raise Kristy. 
She was reared on a mother's love as well as that of her dad, sister and brother.
Kristy has a piece of each of their hearts.
That is why her loss, cut them all so deeply. She never uttered a word but her presence filled up their home.
When the end was near, they knew it. They didn't want to let her go, but they wanted her to be free of the pain racked body that betrayed her. They wanted her to run, and talk and be the person God knew she was. They wanted her to rest. So when she closed her eyes and left her suffering  behind. they mourned and rejoiced. They knew she was finally and mercifully at peace and free.
They knew she was with the Father and in the midst of joy unspeakable. They knew, we all know that Kristy is with the Angels in the place of never ending sunshine and happiness.
We miss her but one day, we will see her again.
Until then we will cry, smile and be grateful for our time with sweet Kristiana Blake.

When The Dog Bites...


Only two months old and already injured in the line of duty.   Today I found a minuscule crack in the windshield of my little red Nissan Rogue.
One of the things that make me go... arghhh!!! 
Seems there's been a lot of them lately...

The visit to the tax man that ended with the gut punching revelation that instead of getting cash back, we owed good old Uncle S. this year.

Remembering that it's my turn to do the week long graveyard shift at work. 4 and a half hours of sleep followed by ten hours of piecing together an hour long early morning newscast. Swigging coffee through the night to stay alert then driving home in a zombie daze at 8am when the shift ends.
The soul sucking reality that I don't have ten thousand dollars in my rainy day fund  so my kid can go away to college.   Turns out her scholarship covers tuition not room and board.
Apparently they think parents who can't afford to pay their kids way through college, but can handle the ten thousand  dollar need for books and board.

These are the disappointments, let downs, slights, all of them woven into the fabric of my everyday life.   
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs, "Favorite Things"
The line goes, "when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling saaaaaad".
It goes on, "I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel soooo baaaad."
That may work for Maria and the children but not for me.

When my life gets rude with me, when my circumstances seem to work against me and sneer in my face, when I feel like I'm in a six feet deep hole with no way out.
I look to the hills,  not the ones in the Sound of Music.  I look to the hills from whence cometh my help.  (Psalm 121:1-5) I look to my Father in heaven, my Savior and friend Jesus.
He has me even when life lets me down.
Even when things are bad, God is good, Jesus is with me. I can rest in him, lean on him, walk in his strength, guidance and peace.  He will help me, he will walk me through it or help me out of it.   
"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be removed he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold he that keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper, the Lord is your shade on your right hand."  

When the bee stings, and the bills are unpaid, and the dog bites, and the jobs drives me nuts. 
I Look up!  God is never far away, I talk to him, I lay my burden at his feet.

My problems don't disappear, but his presence and peace appears.    He lifts me above my circumstances.

He is there when life gets ugly and hard. That is enough.