Monday, February 8, 2016

THE NEIGHBORHOOD

The sky stretches on forever.. at sunset, orange and gold bursts of glory  fill the horizon.
There is green wherever your eye rests,   pines thrusting into the expanse of blue and white. Palm trees lining the perimeter like toy soldiers.

Little stunted bushes, and azaleas plants who have lost their flowers until Spring.
The sidewalk meanders for miles, peppered with couples strolling along with their fur babies, or  sweaty hard cores jogging with steely resolve, or  the ramblers, more interested in conversation than cardio.

The homes are like little doll houses around the square, pastels and muted colors in various shapes and sizes each with a patch of green in front. A porch filled with patio chairs and stylish planters.

Even with so much to see, wide open spaced  are everywhere.
I can breath here.  A little square park sits in the middle of it all
 perfect for kite flying and star gazing. It's fountain gurgles night and day welcoming thirsty birds.

A short walk takes you to a pond.. home to two snowy white ducks who must sometimes share it with mallards on their way to somewhere more exotic.

It is a place of water and blue sky, and sunsets, and stars and sidewalks. The sounds of a dog barking , breezes blowing through the pines, frogs on a Summer night.   Often a plane flies overhead rumbling and low but somehow pleasant sounding.
In December lights of every color twinkle outside the houses or draped across bushes.
Sometimes massive characters in  primary colors stand grinning at nothing on the front lawns, in they morning they are in a heap like melted crayons.
Sometimes sparkles and showers of light and sound fill the July sky
and children shriek and shout with the excitement of seeing fire and color  explode into the heavens
It is called Godley Park.. the name is reverent but welcoming.
My home, where I belong.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

WHAT DO I SAY???

  I don't know what to say.   The feelings are there, the desire is there but the words are hiding.


They are somewhere beyond my reach. My brain searches for them like  four leaf clovers among ordinary grass.  Sometimes I find one, pure perfect and alone. I pluck it and then what?

I make my living throwing words on a script, telling the hard, ugly news of the day to people half listening while they cook dinner.

I turn phrases,  use puns and scare them with faux warnings about over exaggerated dangers.  I write as if I am a caring friend but I am a stranger who only wants your eyes and ears for 30 minutes.

What I write is not the real me,  those are the work a day words, the shallow,  treat them like your friend words.

The real me comes out only with the rare words, the elusive ones.  That is the writing that still escapes me. That is what I long for.

How do I put my heart, or my hope into words??? How do I express my soul??  Those are the words my brain reaches for..  they are there...but do not come easily.

They are treasure, worth searching for, worth finding.


Friday, October 30, 2015

I'm Back... To Stay!!!

I haven't been here for months, but I'm back because a crisis woke me up.  A few days ago, I walked out of the gym, my workout behind me, my day before me.
As I sat in my car, it hit me,  a wave of misery, and a sense of my own wretchedness over powered me.
I was stuck in a big empty hole, of my own making. I was going nowhere, spinning my wheels on my own personal hamster wheel.
Over weight, failing eyesight, rising blood pressure, dwindling finances and advancing age.
I felt like a complete and utter failure. Just weeks after turning 53, I felt my life was a big fat nothing.
My salary, still low, my weight still up, my insecurities in tact and my accomplishments insignificant.
The one constant in my life besides my family was my slavish devotion to a soap gossip website.
Daytime Dish was my daily bread, I read is every day, sometimes twice. It was my way to   decompress after work, my stress reliever at work, my weekend diversion and my companion, entertainment and guilty pleasure.

But it was killing me, I was giving myself to something that gave me nothing in return. I argued with strangers over fictional people. I read page after page of insults,  anger filled rants and idiocy from soap fans whose sole reason for lashing out at each other was that they liked different characters on General Hospital.
I had bad dreams,  I argued with posters in my head, I was irritable and dissatisfied with myself  and my life.
My emotions rose and fell on what happened not the soap board, and what was said about my favorite characters.
I disliked those who didn't like the characters I liked, I agreed and insulted with the best of them and
every night as I got on my knees to pray before going to sleep, the guilt would come.
The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear " Is daytime dish pleasing to God? Does he approve of you reading, and arguing and drinking in that swill every day??
I knew the answer but I shook it off and kept on feeding on the garbage even as kicked myself for doing it.  I continued until that day in my car.
I felt useless, and the knowledge that I was wasting my time and talents on a sewer filled website gnawed at me.
I felt lost and alone, like the little kid who gets separated from his mom in the huge department store.
I was scared and adrift with not a clue as to which way to turn.  Like the kid, I cried out for my parent. I cried out to my Father, God.
I poured  out my fear, pain and self loathing. I fully acknowledged that I and I alone had made the big mess that now engulfed me.  I cried and prayed, and asked for forgiveness. I hated myself .
Like any good, loving parent, God showed up.
He soothed me with the Holy Spirit and told me he loved me. He told me that my deep devotion and dependence on anything besides him would always end in disaster for me.
He reminded me that his joy is my strength.  He told me to trust him, and lean on him. He invited me to be his friend again and made me remember that his love, peace and wisdom is what my soul needs more than anything the world has to offer.  He told me that he loved me.
My Father showed up to show me the way home. I drove to work with a real smile on my face.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

     REJECTED!

I was rejected by a computer. That stings.  It took me hours to fill out the application and figure out to upload my college transcript, cover letter and resume.  
I wracked my brain thinking of three people I could list as references, they had to be intelligent, articulate and like me enough to say good things to strangers about me. 

I searched the drawers and finally found my college transcript and Cassidy helped me figure out how to scan it, slap it on a thingy and put it on the desk top.  
I strained to remember exact dates that I left one job and started another going back over ten years. 

I took a mental inventory of my marketable skills and talents and tried to ignore the little voice in my head that whispered ( is that all you can do?).
I made a list of computer applications and hardware that I am proficient in or is it "of which I am proficient in"?
Finally after a little more than a day of gathering it all, I submitted my application for Director of Marketing and Communications at Armstrong State University.
I took a deep breath and hit  "submit" after completing the application.

It took the computer about 20 seconds to respond.
"You do not meet minimum requirements for this position".
Rejected in 20 seconds.  Harsh!

I have to say I was more than a little disappointed and I immediately felt sorry for myself, as if I was the only one in the world feeling that kind of rejection. 
I felt lonely and not good enough.
It's not a good place to be in but, I know it's just temporary.  I'm not gonna settle down here. I know feelings are not reality.  
Feelings come and go and I can't judge myself or my situation on how I'm feeling at the moment.
I know in my mind that I'm not the only one to be rejected in the world.  
I know in my mind that God is bigger than my problems of trying to find a new job. I know that God knows about my desire to find a new position. I know God provides me with what I need when I need it according to his will.
I trust God because he is bigger than my struggle.
So while it stinks getting rejected by a computer, 
I will be Okay. 
I'm not doing this in my own strength and power. I am relying on God to lead me to where he wants me to be in his own time and way.   That gives me peace and even though my bruised ego and disappointment are having a pity party in my head, I will be fine.
God says "If you abide in me and my word abides in you. ye shall ask what ye will and it shall be done unto you." (John 15:7)
I'm abiding and asking and waiting on God's provision.
So it's that old computer's lost. it just passed up a pretty good thing. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

October 15, 2014
   "Name 20 things you could be doing right now."
Those eight words and that one number opened up my eyes.
I made the list at work today, it wasn't hard. The ideas and activities just kept coming.
I needed that list. I needed the rope it provided me.  
That rope pulled me up from the quicksand.
The quicksand is my addiction to the mindless soap opera message board Daytime Dish. It's a place where soap fans go to insult, attack and devour each other. It's fueled by obsession over fictional people.  I've been a DD devotee for longer that I am comfortable saying.  Yes I've taken part in baiting, gloating and bickering synonymous with the site.
I've become purple with rage at people I've never seen over characters that don't exist.
It was my cigarettes break,  my comfy couch in front to the TV.  It was how I decompressed after a day of deadlines and  navigating the manic TV newsroom. I immersed  myself  in DD. 
What happened on General Hospital today what Liz Webber, my favorite character did. When Genie Francis might possible be coming back to the show?
I existed off of it.  But it demanded a big chunk of me  It could devour three hours of my night in the blink of an eye.
I knew it was obsession, and I tried to put it down and walk away.
I failed.  So I prayed about it, and failed to put it down. So I prayed some more. 
One day, while roaming the Dish,  wisdom whispered in my ear.
"What are 20 things you could be doing right now?"
I made a list, a wonderful, glorious list.
It's full of family, relationships, caring, work, health. faith.
Call your Mother and tell her you love her.
Pray
Read the Bible
Go for a walk
Read a book
Go talk to your daughter
Go play video games with your son
Call a friend
Call one of your 7 brothers and Sisters and catch up
Write a hand written note of encouragement to a friend
Clean out a junk drawer or closet
The List called to me. The List was life, my life.
My life neglected,  my life waiting for me to 
engage it, to take hold and live it!!!
The List is my lifesaver.   

Saturday, October 4, 2014

When did it happen?  What was I so busy with that I didn't notice it?  It must have crept up slowly
like a cat that is across the room one minute then wrapped around your legs the next.
When did things get turned upside down?
When did good become bad, right become wrong,  
decency become something to scorn?

No this is not a rant about how society is going to hell in a hand basket, wait, maybe it is.
This is how it started, I was watching ANTM or America's Next Top Model ( that was my first mistake) with my husband. 

At the end of the show the models go to what's known as The Judges Table. That's where Tyra and her slightly ridiculous co- judges, look at each contestant's picture to decide if they're weird, beautiful, yet edgy enough to stay  on the show another week.
One contestant, I'll call him, Scott showed up dressed in a suit. Now this man was extremely handsome, he face looked like it belonged on a 
GQ cover.    Scott stands there allowing the judges to critique his picture,  sniffing with disdain at what the perceive are flaws and, oh the horror, posing mistakes.
Scott's picture is not as fierce as they would like even though it looks flawless to me, rank amateur that I am.
Scott stands there like a student before a panel of principals.  He is quiet, respectful and clearly humbled.
If he dares defend his photo in any way, one of the more flamboyant judges will use it as a reason to wildly overreact for the cameras.
So when Scott's inquisition is over, Trya mercifully demises him but not before one final comment. She ask "Why are you wearing that suit?"  Scott can't understand the question, neither can I.  The man clearly chose the nicest suit he had with the intention of looking his best at judges table.
They treat him like he showed up in a dirty torn t-shirt and boxer shorts.
She told him the suit was a no no, and she ordered him to never wear anything like it again. With a condescending smile on her face, she suggested jeans and a T- shirt would be more appropriate.
When did wearing a suit become offensive? I guess it was so old fashioned that Trya felt like it was a slap in the face to the uber edginess
that is ANTM.
My irritation and anger over Scott's treatment and Tyra's attitude got the little wheels moving in my brain.
It dawned on me that some things are now turned on their heads in society.
What's good is bad and what's bad is good.
Waiting for sex until marriage, is now considered bizarre and out of touch.
A woman who wants to do as the Bible instructs and be subject to her Husband is treated like an unambitious twit by today's  "Girl, you need to train your man to do your will" devotees.
Choosing to live a life of moderation, honesty and kindness to others is met with derision by the cool, tattooed, booze hounds of the world.
The world that calls you a fool if you want to spend you life helping others instead of pursuing the largest salary  and the biggest house possible.

The world that looks at you like you grew two heads when you say you still cook dinner for your family. 

The world that encourages you to arm your 14 year old daughter with a pill to protect against STD's,  and contraceptives then smile sweetly as she expresses her sexually.
Bad behavior is applauded, even celebrated. Thumbing your nose at convention, common sense and propriety will get you your own reality show or at the very least an appearance on The Today Show.

Now all you need to attain fame and fortune is a sex tape or a hundred thousand hits on YouTube.
It's not just the outrageous, it's the little things too.
Please, thank you, the use of the  turn signal,   they're all disappearing like the buffalo. 

Courtesy, etiquette, and hand written notes are becoming a thing of the past.
Now you can show up for work in shoes that we used to wear in the shower or a public pool.
Female news anchors can wear spaghetti straps and tattoos.
Yes the world is changing, I know it's not 1950's anymore and I don't want it to be.
But society needs some things need to stick around.
The world is not too cool for kindness, modesty, graciousness.

And sorry Tyra, a man in a suit is rarely a bad thing.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Do It Now If You Don't Feel Like Doing It At All!

I'm learning to dance through life with discipline as one of my many partners. I still don't like her, she's not a fun loving, care free kinda girl.   She's not like my friend Folly.
Folly is fun, Folly let's me do what I want. Folly is the free spirit.
But Folly is a tricky girl,  Folly can and has gotten me into BIG  trouble.
Another pal of mine, name of Wisdom, gave me the low down on Folly.   At the same time she introduced my to Discipline.
Folly always shows me a good time, but Wisdom showed me Folly true colors. Girl is a back stabber.
Folly likes me better when I'm weak and weak 
willed.
Folly wants me to binge watch Netflix instead of going for a walk.
Folly tries to get me to choose 5 dollar pizza instead of making baked chicken and a salad.
Folly wants Starbucks every other day and 
Chedder's chocolate cake every Saturday night.
When Wisdom told me about Discipline, I was not impressed. I thought " she sounds like a wet 
blanket".
Still, I decided to.try to get to know her because Folly had gotten me in some real scrapes. I figured I needed a change.
Our relationship is still pretty young, but I've noticed a few things about myself when I hang 
around the new girl.
When I spend time with D, I feel better about myself.  I'm stronger around D, I'm healthier and 
motivated when I spend time in her company.
No D is not the party girl that Fol is , but she is a much better companion in the dance of life.
So I'm learning how hang out with Discipline.
I'm learning to let her into the areas of my life that Folly used to rule.  It's not easy, sometimes I want to call up Fol and just go have some fun. Truth is I still do every now and then. But I think I need D a 
lot more than I need Folly. Wiz was right, that girl gives some righteous advice.
So I'm traveling through life with my pals Wisdom and Discipline, but we're not alone. Faith, Love and Courage are also going along for the ride.
But that's another story.