I'm not a leader. It requires giving part of yourself to someone else. Opening up a part of yourself to a person or the world. That scares me. I feel more comfortable in the back row, out of the spotlight.
I feel more comfortable adding my voice to the chorus instead of taking the mic. And yet, I am missing something, part of me wants to contribute, to be out front. I see the leaders and wonder what do they have that I don't? I wonder why I hesitated, why I hang back, why I'm not leading. Leading is doing, it puts you out front where everyone can see you. They can see your missteps and mistakes and muck ups They can point and laugh or whisper quietly about you. They can talk about you and judge you. I don't want them to talk about me, so I don't move up, I stay in the back. I don't think I'm supposed to be here, or else why would I feel so out of place in the place I choose to stay? Maybe I should be out front, maybe I should be leading, at least sometimes. Maybe the fear is worth it? Maybe what I have to give is more important than my fear about the reaction to my giving it?
Maybe what they do after I put it out there --doesn't matter as much as my putting it out there.
Friday, March 1, 2019
I am days away from my 57th birthday and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I'm still searching inside and outside of myself. Searching but not doing. I want to get to the "doing."
I had a time of reading, reflection and prayer this morning. It helped me. The writer talked about how we pray our of duty, how we say the words we think we should be saying, how we say what we think God wants to hear from us. That's not being honest. Why do we play those games with God when he knows our heart anyway?
He knows what we're thinking, feeling, he knows what is unsaid.
The article opened my eyes, I decided to stop saying what i thought was the right thing in prayers. I decided to pour out my heart no matter what is there.
God i don't know how to serve you, I don't always trust you, I worry about my problems and my pain and what I want to achieve more than serving and loving you. I want to make more money doing something that I absolutely love. I want more than what I have. I don't always appreciate what I have. I'm afraid a lot.
Sometimes I'm afraid of dying.
I feel funny saying those things to God, even though it's truth, even though he already knows all of it.
He made me, he loves me, and he wants our talks, my prayers to be real, honest and from my heart.
So while I still don't have all the answers, I still don't know what I want to be when i grow up or what the next chapter will be, i do know that God is listening.
My Father is here and he wants me to walk with him and talk with him and tell him what is really in my heart.
Honesty leads to trust.
I'm still searching inside and outside of myself. Searching but not doing. I want to get to the "doing."
I had a time of reading, reflection and prayer this morning. It helped me. The writer talked about how we pray our of duty, how we say the words we think we should be saying, how we say what we think God wants to hear from us. That's not being honest. Why do we play those games with God when he knows our heart anyway?
He knows what we're thinking, feeling, he knows what is unsaid.
The article opened my eyes, I decided to stop saying what i thought was the right thing in prayers. I decided to pour out my heart no matter what is there.
God i don't know how to serve you, I don't always trust you, I worry about my problems and my pain and what I want to achieve more than serving and loving you. I want to make more money doing something that I absolutely love. I want more than what I have. I don't always appreciate what I have. I'm afraid a lot.
Sometimes I'm afraid of dying.
I feel funny saying those things to God, even though it's truth, even though he already knows all of it.
He made me, he loves me, and he wants our talks, my prayers to be real, honest and from my heart.
So while I still don't have all the answers, I still don't know what I want to be when i grow up or what the next chapter will be, i do know that God is listening.
My Father is here and he wants me to walk with him and talk with him and tell him what is really in my heart.
Honesty leads to trust.
Monday, June 11, 2018
FORWARD
What stifles ambition? What stops the forward momentum of a life?
Besides death, it's ones own self. What we say to ourselves, how we hinder, and hold back the dream that wants to grow and live.
Do I care more about how my life looks to others instead of how I actually live it?
Something inside me wants more, knows there is more than coming home watching TV or wallowing through the exercise in futility and frustration that is Soap Twitter.
Why have I always felt like the girl on the outside? Why have I always wanted to be in the place where all the fun stuff is happening? Why did my mind convince me it wasn't where I am.
Why do I hesitate? Why am I unsure? Why am I holding me back?
Do I like myself?
Dear Father help me remove that boulder! The thing that gets in the way of my taking action, my jumping in, my running ahead, my leap of faith, my putting one foot in front of the other.
I still don't know what to call it, fear, self loathing, foolishness, low self esteem, all of the above. I want to know what I want, I want to move forward.
I don't know what is in my future, but I want it to include more writing, some acting, growing, learning, loving life. I want to walk down the path you have chosen for me, but I must walk, I must move forward, I must advance. I cannot and will not stand still.
I want a healthy mind and body, I want your peace and your wisdom as I move through this life. As I move, as I move.
What stifles ambition? What stops the forward momentum of a life?
Besides death, it's ones own self. What we say to ourselves, how we hinder, and hold back the dream that wants to grow and live.
Do I care more about how my life looks to others instead of how I actually live it?
Something inside me wants more, knows there is more than coming home watching TV or wallowing through the exercise in futility and frustration that is Soap Twitter.
Why have I always felt like the girl on the outside? Why have I always wanted to be in the place where all the fun stuff is happening? Why did my mind convince me it wasn't where I am.
Why do I hesitate? Why am I unsure? Why am I holding me back?
Do I like myself?
Dear Father help me remove that boulder! The thing that gets in the way of my taking action, my jumping in, my running ahead, my leap of faith, my putting one foot in front of the other.
I still don't know what to call it, fear, self loathing, foolishness, low self esteem, all of the above. I want to know what I want, I want to move forward.
I don't know what is in my future, but I want it to include more writing, some acting, growing, learning, loving life. I want to walk down the path you have chosen for me, but I must walk, I must move forward, I must advance. I cannot and will not stand still.
I want a healthy mind and body, I want your peace and your wisdom as I move through this life. As I move, as I move.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
BACK AT IT
I'm back at it... filling up the big white pages with my mind doodles.
I woke up in the middle of the night, worried, wondering, looking for answers from God. Examining my life like a sea shell I found up on the beach.
Why does it look this way? Where did it come from? where is it going to end up?
Do I sabotage myself? Do I start down a good path and stop before I reach the finish line?
Do I talk myself into failure? Why? Why do I run from completing my goals, why do I shrink back from tackling new achievements?
Why do I self sabotage?
Low self esteem?
Lack of faith?
Rebellion?
Self loathing?
Fear?
I don't like these words.. they drag you down like a stone tied around your leg in water.
Yet I think they are players in my life. They are there; sometimes I see them and feel them and other time they are silent. But they are powerful, they do damage. They tie me down, hold me back, keep me suppressed when I want to soar.
My mind asked..how to I get untangled?
I prayed. It's what I do when I don't know what to do. I think God heard me. I think Jesus whispered something that lifted my spirit a little.
I went back to sleep feeling hopeful. I want it to grow into faith and works, good works.
I'm back at it... filling up the big white pages with my mind doodles.
I woke up in the middle of the night, worried, wondering, looking for answers from God. Examining my life like a sea shell I found up on the beach.
Why does it look this way? Where did it come from? where is it going to end up?
Do I sabotage myself? Do I start down a good path and stop before I reach the finish line?
Do I talk myself into failure? Why? Why do I run from completing my goals, why do I shrink back from tackling new achievements?
Why do I self sabotage?
Low self esteem?
Lack of faith?
Rebellion?
Self loathing?
Fear?
I don't like these words.. they drag you down like a stone tied around your leg in water.
Yet I think they are players in my life. They are there; sometimes I see them and feel them and other time they are silent. But they are powerful, they do damage. They tie me down, hold me back, keep me suppressed when I want to soar.
My mind asked..how to I get untangled?
I prayed. It's what I do when I don't know what to do. I think God heard me. I think Jesus whispered something that lifted my spirit a little.
I went back to sleep feeling hopeful. I want it to grow into faith and works, good works.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
QUESTIONS
I signed another contract. I still have questions.
Still want more.
The writing thing, the acting thing. They haven't gone away. The desire to take them out of hiding, to expose them to the sun, to the world.
I keep looking at my life...knowing the years are ticking by, knowing I want to spend is all the way I should be spending it. Time is racing by..I should be moving with it, doing, growing, learning. becoming.
What? I don't know. I still don't know.
I know the thoughts in my head, come out through my fingers when i sit at the keyboard.
I like it.. but will others?
My heart is drawn to acting, writing, theater.. but it is not a compulsion. They are like three people I know a little about, but i want to get to know them better. To stay close.. to live with them in a way that fulfills me emotionally and financially.
I have questions.. "What is next God?".. I write for a living.. but the world of crime, and local politics and weekend festivals is stifling these days.
I want to stretch beyond the confines of TV news. I want to see what else I can do.
I want what's next for me. I have questions. I don't know how to get there What road do I take? When do I set off? How?? Who can help me?
God knows, but so far he hasn't shared it with me. I expect he will in his time. I know there is more than one road for me. So I trust, wait, wonder, and keep moving forward on this road.
For now.
I signed another contract. I still have questions.
Still want more.
The writing thing, the acting thing. They haven't gone away. The desire to take them out of hiding, to expose them to the sun, to the world.
I keep looking at my life...knowing the years are ticking by, knowing I want to spend is all the way I should be spending it. Time is racing by..I should be moving with it, doing, growing, learning. becoming.
What? I don't know. I still don't know.
I know the thoughts in my head, come out through my fingers when i sit at the keyboard.
I like it.. but will others?
My heart is drawn to acting, writing, theater.. but it is not a compulsion. They are like three people I know a little about, but i want to get to know them better. To stay close.. to live with them in a way that fulfills me emotionally and financially.
I have questions.. "What is next God?".. I write for a living.. but the world of crime, and local politics and weekend festivals is stifling these days.
I want to stretch beyond the confines of TV news. I want to see what else I can do.
I want what's next for me. I have questions. I don't know how to get there What road do I take? When do I set off? How?? Who can help me?
God knows, but so far he hasn't shared it with me. I expect he will in his time. I know there is more than one road for me. So I trust, wait, wonder, and keep moving forward on this road.
For now.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
A WALK BY THE RIVER
It has been a minute since I last blogged, almost a year I think.
I told myself I was going to write for an hour every day, that I would try to sell my work and make some money on the side. Hasn't happened yet.
I'm reading something I wrote last June; my thoughts on our 27th wedding anniversary, my feelings about being married to Tracy and the life we've built . It makes me smile and it is all true,
So I'm writing again. No rhyme or reason: just letting my thoughts,, mood and emotions dictate the words.
Yesterday we walked and talked under a glorious blue sky surrounded by hundreds of people wearing green and holding a beer on the River front.
Even in the crowd, we connected and communed it was good.
We talked about getting old and the fact that a mid life crisis is a real thing.
We talked about wanting more and wondering if this was all we would achieve.
Fears, fond memories, future plans.
"We are still young".. he said it twice, maybe to convince himself or me or both.
I listened and talked too.. I know I'm not that girl he married 27 years ago.
I know I've grown past that, I have the grey hairs to prove it.
I smile at his words and know he's right. we are still young. God willing the best is yet to come.
We hold hands and continue to walk and talk.. a hour later we head back to the sleepy azalea filled square where the car is parked.
hungry, happier and hopeful.
We are still young there is still stuff to do, things to experience..life to live.
It has been a minute since I last blogged, almost a year I think.
I told myself I was going to write for an hour every day, that I would try to sell my work and make some money on the side. Hasn't happened yet.
I'm reading something I wrote last June; my thoughts on our 27th wedding anniversary, my feelings about being married to Tracy and the life we've built . It makes me smile and it is all true,
So I'm writing again. No rhyme or reason: just letting my thoughts,, mood and emotions dictate the words.
Yesterday we walked and talked under a glorious blue sky surrounded by hundreds of people wearing green and holding a beer on the River front.
Even in the crowd, we connected and communed it was good.
We talked about getting old and the fact that a mid life crisis is a real thing.
We talked about wanting more and wondering if this was all we would achieve.
Fears, fond memories, future plans.
"We are still young".. he said it twice, maybe to convince himself or me or both.
I listened and talked too.. I know I'm not that girl he married 27 years ago.
I know I've grown past that, I have the grey hairs to prove it.
I smile at his words and know he's right. we are still young. God willing the best is yet to come.
We hold hands and continue to walk and talk.. a hour later we head back to the sleepy azalea filled square where the car is parked.
hungry, happier and hopeful.
We are still young there is still stuff to do, things to experience..life to live.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Twenty Seven Years
It doesn't feel like 27 Years. I still feel unsure of what to say and I still worry about being pretty enough.
The struggle with "stupid new bride" thoughts is still real.
As I sit listening to him snore lightly, I unpack this 27 year old thing, this union of souls, the bond, this marriage.
I couldn't imagine how I would do it, I wondered how I could wake up with someone every day and let them in to the private places of my heart. I could not picture myself trusting someone that much.
Yes... I wanted to get married like every girl I knew back then. I just couldn't comprehend how a person like me could get to the point where you allow another person to see you naked, or bring you a roll of tissue as you sat on the toilet or go buy sanitary napkins for you.
I prayed about it, "God, you know the right man for me, bring us together and make it good."
He listened. I was never comfortable talking to people for long periods of time, my sisters had the gift of gab but I was too self conscience to chat it up. But I was able to talk with him, it was over the phone after a mutual acquaintance suggested he call me for a blind date.
Sharing my thoughts with him came easily and we had a lot in common. That was the foundation. Friendship, devotion, love that followed. 2 Children, 8 moves and 27 years later he is still easy to talk to, still my best friend. I still like to look at his hands and i still think he has the cutest long eye lashes and the sexiest thighs and legs. He's one of the smartest men and I know and I could watch him tease and teach our kids all day. I want to be with him always even after I die.
I guess that's how I would sum up the life we have together. He makes me want to be a better person and I like being with him more than any other person on the planet. Now I understand how one person can let another person into that special, private, place in their heart and be completely open without being self conscious and ashamed. I did it 27 years ago.
It doesn't feel like 27 Years. I still feel unsure of what to say and I still worry about being pretty enough.
The struggle with "stupid new bride" thoughts is still real.
As I sit listening to him snore lightly, I unpack this 27 year old thing, this union of souls, the bond, this marriage.
I couldn't imagine how I would do it, I wondered how I could wake up with someone every day and let them in to the private places of my heart. I could not picture myself trusting someone that much.
Yes... I wanted to get married like every girl I knew back then. I just couldn't comprehend how a person like me could get to the point where you allow another person to see you naked, or bring you a roll of tissue as you sat on the toilet or go buy sanitary napkins for you.
I prayed about it, "God, you know the right man for me, bring us together and make it good."
He listened. I was never comfortable talking to people for long periods of time, my sisters had the gift of gab but I was too self conscience to chat it up. But I was able to talk with him, it was over the phone after a mutual acquaintance suggested he call me for a blind date.
Sharing my thoughts with him came easily and we had a lot in common. That was the foundation. Friendship, devotion, love that followed. 2 Children, 8 moves and 27 years later he is still easy to talk to, still my best friend. I still like to look at his hands and i still think he has the cutest long eye lashes and the sexiest thighs and legs. He's one of the smartest men and I know and I could watch him tease and teach our kids all day. I want to be with him always even after I die.
I guess that's how I would sum up the life we have together. He makes me want to be a better person and I like being with him more than any other person on the planet. Now I understand how one person can let another person into that special, private, place in their heart and be completely open without being self conscious and ashamed. I did it 27 years ago.
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